This is a project called “The Human Family Community Open Threads.” These open threads will be for anyone to comment on and express how they feel, if you need a friend, any ideas, to make new friends, thoughts, topics, quotes or simply if you feel alone or lonely or suicidal or want to speak to others; feel free to comment below and start a conversation. You are not alone.
The Human Family Open Thread #76
~DiosRaw 25/02/21
Cutting, jabbing, stabbing
Crumbling bones
Soggy muscles
You look healthy, don’t you?
My health is dire, not wealthy
Maybe if you could see the bruises I feel
Shades of struken teal
Maybe if they were blue, purple and green
If the skin burned off
Then you’d believe me
If the tremors were more violent
If my screams were heard in the silent
If my muscles screamed louder
If you could hear the creaking off my joints
Or the persistent poisoning and pounding of my head
I wish honestly I was dead
I don’t know what is happening
I feel as if I’m dying
If I said any different I’d be lying
Suicide attempts
Jumping off dams
How much more until you understand?
There’s a fog swirling around in my brain
What if I crack and go insane?
If you could see the shooting pains as shooting sparks of light
Would you hold me tight?
In the dead numbness of the nightmarish night?
The whole body is a red glow
It’s invisible and only I know
Pretending to be okay
Questioning if I am fake positivity
The cells in my hippocampus are dying
Starving for dopamine and serotonin
If you touched my hand and swapped bodies
If only for a second
Could you feel how heavy of the weight it carries
If you could see the dreaded melancholy greying the hues of my canvas
And the shaking of my out stretched hands
Lying cold dead on a beach, with a bottle and packets rolling across the sand
If my misery made me waste away and disappear
If you knew how I felt the end is near
If the pain swallowed me whole
And you saw my weary decimating magnetic pulling black hole
If the nightmares and sweats of each night became reality
And I never woke up
Maybe then you’d believe me
Damn
Wouldn’t you?
~DiosRaw 24/02/21 19:00PM
Body cast of glass shards
Agony, whipping each step piercing
Fibromyalgia torment
~DiosRaw 24/02/21 18:33PM
Yanked puppet, pushed then pulled
Scrambling to reach middle foundation
Limp limbs, stringed rag doll
~DiosRaw 23/02/21 12:33PM
Vacant when I needed you
My health is weak, you knew that too
The shell of a ghost we both become
Memories linger on my breath of our early days in mystery and depth
Dancing between those neon lazers
Cherry beer concealing our pain, an enticing poison dreaming away my traumatic memories
I know I played my role, I am no victim
Hurting so bad my heart seemed to crack
Numbed and self preservation
This night I smoked my last cigarette
Sitting on my parent’s doorstep
Observing the warm orange glow of the beams between the curtains of a house in my field of the countryside neighbour-hood view
I thought of you
When you have withdrawn yourself and your magic
When only the smell of your love lingers between my breasts
Imagination ran amok
Lost hopes and dreams
Of us cuddling our baby behind those curtain streams
Holding our baby in your defined muscle arms
Snap back from the third-eye charms
If you bucked your ideas up, I would have made you the father of my child
You know you have that sexual vibration that makes me go wild
How could I carry on?
Shaking and tremoring day and night
Worried I might say the wrong thing out of low-esteem chipped at fright
If only we could have spinned tight
Into a ball of existential love
My heart lives on bruised
A mind-fuck of confused.
~DiosRaw 22/02/21 22:30PM
●《Soul》 When I’m melanchoic or feel rather lonely, sometimes I make my way down the street, put headphones on my eyes, put a beautiful tune on that takes me to another place through the vibrations and frequencies, smile and take myself to another place in my mind..
Today I listened to this; a blissful tune – especially the endingish: https://youtu.be/R7qhVQK9_-Q 《Soul》●
Darkness through darkness
Claustrophobic thoughts concealed me
And every day I dived deeper
Into these illusionary thoughts
Many times I tried to end my life
Sometimes I held a knife
Taking pills to send me into a wakeless sleep
Jumping off dams into deep bottomless lakes
Suicidal ideations and thoughts fixated my view
Pain was in every corner, every ounce of my body
There was no cure for my pain
Sending me into a realm of insane
Venom had spread across my body
Searching endlessly for the antidote
Feeling closer to death than being alive
I wonder how you stand so tall
You never give in
You bend, you do not fall
Near death experiences time after time
Death stared me dead cold in the face
You have the power to hurl out of darkness
Seek and it will come
And take you out of this black hole
But only when you decide to..
My name is mental illness
Many names have been given to me
I have existed since man was created
Trauma and mental issues are related
In past times I was named a loony and a nutter
In modern times, I take on a more sophisticated tone, labelling had begun, depression, manic, hyperactive, borderline, bipolar
Do not judge the lives I have claimed
Until you have walked in their shoes.
~DiosRaw 19/02/21 08:14AM
That glow, smiling frontal to the sun
A pure free soul, creating wonder
Then she heard the crashing of thunder
Unknown to her she’d be initiated into a blunder
Stepping out into the world
Wilting at every criticsm
Flower head turned upside down
Twisting the beaming smile, denigrates into a frown
Life smacks her left and right, turning her into a stuttering fright
Turning for comfort here and there
Ending with a harsh sharp glare
Creeping around
Trying not to make a sound
Burying under old archetypes she found
She’s shrivelled up, broken and bitter
Her love for the earth, she still picks up litter
There’s good inside
She doesn’t let the light hide
Fuck the rest
This life is a test
Let her be with open arms
Smoking her coping mechanism of a cigarette..
~DiosRaw 16/02/21 09:40AM
By Woodsy (https://woodsydotblog.wordpress.com) & Amber (diosraw.com)
I’m drifting ragged, buzzed by the phantom flight of not-quite migraines
Holding myself in at the seams, clambering at my sanity in a sea full of strong salinity
Looking for my flavour, overwhelmed by the tyranny of salt
Swamping my consciousness, tastes of fragments of my self falling as confetti
No wonder I’m so nauseous, so weepy in their wake
Pieces of the scratched at soul scattered in places forgotten and remembered
If tears will heal, why do they always land so broken on my soul?
–
They say time heals wounds, the wounds remain, the mind protects our sanity, scar tissue covers, the pain lessens and it is never gone
So hold me – dig at my wounds, raw as they are, squeeze your heart and fingers over mine, and warm yourself on the flicker of a camp we never made
Take me to places beyond the bounds of imagination
-By Woodsy (https://woodsydotblog.wordpress.com) & Amber (diosraw.com)
Does anyone question the fact that
Any big company can pull the rug from beneath their feet?
Because of anything that doesn’t agree with their fleet?
All the work we pour into our blogs
Only to have the possibility of it all falling apart and entering fog
One day upon reading an email from WordPress
As to why they had blocked my liking fucntion on the reader for all the blogs I follow
They said I was a spam bot, not a real person
I asked how long the block on liking anything would be
They said indefinitely
My gut wrenched
To many it may seem silly
Maybe frilly
But to work for hours and nights
Creating a block on the lights
Building up a community of friends
And making your posts stick together at ends
Countless mornings writing posts
To find that you can’t appreciate by liking your friends notes
You can’t grow your blog as much as you’d like
As you know liking spreads a rippling effect out
So people can see who is about
They censored thee
Tried to shut me down
I felt suicidal
For all the work I have put into this
I continue on
But for “happiness engineers” here at WordPress
I messaged you how I felt, suicidal
To a reply that you will never answer my emails again
And to this day they haven’t
I’m left with making comments
So that people know i appreciate their work
But to big companies
Who can destory lives
But deleting and silencing what they don’t like
You are doing a dangerous act
That will come back to you one day
In the form of a teaching
Maybe you will be blocked with tape over your mouth from speaking
And you’ll realise at what a big mistake you made
To try and cancel speech you don’t like and put it in the shade.
~DiosRaw 06/02/21 10:03AM
《Soul》 Things are the same, if not getting worse. I am loosing my ability to walk due to the fibromyalgia and pharmaceuticals which are destroying my gut-lining and seemingly my body. Everyday is severe torture to move and my body is screaming at me with acid burning pain. I can’t sleep properly, I can’t talk properly (slurring words and not remembering words), I can’t move some days, I can’t walk very well and I might loose that, high anxiety, depression, trauma still lingers through the numbness of the pills, I can’t breathe properly, I have allergic reactions to more foods (I eat potato and a few other things) which is severely depressing, feel nothing, some other painful personal things.. I wish I wasn’t here but I know why, my mission to inspire people through my words is inspiring others, allowing them to be themselves. I don’t feel like I have long left here but I keep laughing and smiling.. that’s all I have left now to keep going. 《Soul》
The shell of what was
Pharmaceutical dead numbness
Desperation cost life
~DiosRaw 28/01/21 10:14AM
The numbness in the brain
Caused by these pills trying to keep me sane
All my life has fallen down the drain
All I smell is sewage rain
They say it’s all for our souls gain
The constant blurry pain
The weight of these pills
The ingredients and side effects give me chills
I miss life’s thrills
Death by an overdose
Laying there many times comatose
All by free will
Soul killed
The misery and sickness
The tedium and shaking
The mess in the making
We’re all broken misfits
Some of us were given pill kits
Don’t swallow just yet
There will be broken souls
You’ve never met
That will join together
And dry the eyes that are wet.
~DiosRaw 28/01/21 10:26AM
I decided to start a new project called “The Human Family Community Open Thread.” These open threads will be for anyone to comment on and express how they feel, if you need a friend, any ideas, make new friends, thoughts, topics, quotes or simply if you feel alone or lonely or suicidal or want to speak to others; feel free to comment below and start a conversation. You are not alone.
The Human Family Open Thread #48
~DiosRaw 26/01/21
