Tag Archives: despair

30/10/20: Despair & Desperation

I haven’t managed to do a diary entry in a while; I’ve kept putting it off and losing myself in worldly affairs. I can’t fully bring myself to write the depths of my depair of a life.

I feel absolutely fucked. I want to scream. No sleep, feeling loopy and fuzzy headed. The medications are messing me up; they don’t work one year later. Anxiety breeds throughout my being. I feel awkward and fake, I smile through the hell of this pain all over. My muscles and joints feel so weak, burning away invisibly. Silent pain. I don’t know how I hold myself together. I am resilient yet I have no choice. I feel stuck in a state of chaos, absolutely head fucked.

Panic is there and I can’t call for help.

I hate who I have become, I don’t like speaking fast and unnecessarily. I didn’t speak for four years and I still have problems with my perception of my own voice and what I say.

I am distraught with the awareness that the pharmaceuticals for PTSD and fibromyalgia are destroying my beautiful brain. I have constant memory loss and cannot think of words that I used to know. It sickens me to death. I don’t want this to happen, yet where do I turn? This is not the way I want to live my life.

I wish I could get help. I have tried and tried and nothing.

My head is a chaotic mess.

I cannot rest. I cannot just be. My body is in a constant state of high alert from previous trauma. I just want to sleeeeep.

This flu is fading away leaving a husky cough and snotty nose.

I don’t know what is happening in the world or what to believe anymore. I just want to sleep for weeks and hide away from everything, it is all too much. Confused, baffled, despaired, worn out.

I wish I was in a good state so I could pursue my purpose of awakening furher with meditation practices and deep healing of my being.

I see no end to this. I see no way out. I see no light, I feel like I am being sucked into a black hole of emptiness. Empty, vacant…

I just want to scream and go crazy and release all this stored pain.

Please help me GOD. I beg you. Please help me. Please help me.

No one can see this wreck of a human, a shell of a human.

I don’t know who I am or what I am doing on gaia.

Desperate for relief. Please. Help me. Please. Please. Please. Help me. Help me.

All I want is peace and a trip to the woods…

Have a good life,

Amber –@diosraw