Cutting, jabbing, stabbing

Crumbling bones

Soggy muscles

You look healthy, don’t you?

My health is dire, not wealthy

Maybe if you could see the bruises I feel

Shades of struken teal

Maybe if they were blue, purple and green

If the skin burned off

Then you’d believe me

If the tremors were more violent

If my screams were heard in the silent

If my muscles screamed louder

If you could hear the creaking off my joints

Or the persistent poisoning and pounding of my head

I wish honestly I was dead

I don’t know what is happening

I feel as if I’m dying

If I said any different I’d be lying

Suicide attempts

Jumping off dams

How much more until you understand?

There’s a fog swirling around in my brain

What if I crack and go insane?

If you could see the shooting pains as shooting sparks of light

Would you hold me tight?

In the dead numbness of the nightmarish night?

The whole body is a red glow

It’s invisible and only I know

Pretending to be okay

Questioning if I am fake positivity

The cells in my hippocampus are dying

Starving for dopamine and serotonin

If you touched my hand and swapped bodies

If only for a second

Could you feel how heavy of the weight it carries

If you could see the dreaded melancholy greying the hues of my canvas

And the shaking of my out stretched hands

Lying cold dead on a beach, with a bottle and packets rolling across the sand

If my misery made me waste away and disappear

If you knew how I felt the end is near

If the pain swallowed me whole

And you saw my weary decimating magnetic pulling black hole

If the nightmares and sweats of each night became reality

And I never woke up

Maybe then you’d believe me

Damn

Wouldn’t you?

~DiosRaw 24/02/21 19:00PM