Hi there, I am a soul from the UK discovering what it means to be human, my soul purpose and what we are doing here on planet gaia. I’m a writer, the people’s journalist, philosopher, African djembe drummer, artist, tattooer, reader, gardener, plant lover, poet, musician, photographer, yogi, blogger, knowledge addict, researcher and student of the universe who is searching for truth and knowledge. I love to laugh and have deep, meaningful conversations.
This blog is my therapy, it will evolve around research, spirituality, psychedelics, science, alternative healing, shamanism, art, poetry, the people’s journalism, astrology, plant medicine, psychology, philosophy, astronomy, tattooing, photography, anything that interests me, educating people on different subjects and personal diary entries detailing my life journey. I needed a place to publish my thoughts into cyberspace for myself and for the consolation of other fellow souls.
I speak from my heart.
My early years consisted of a regular childhood, I grew up in the countryside with a small family. At school I experienced intense bullying at 14 which led me on to developing an eating disorder, OCD and to isolating myself in my bedroom to cope for four years until I left sixth form at 17 to go travelling. I was very academically inclined and athletic throughout school. I hid the eating disorder until it became skin and bone, then it was obvious; I never got help for it. The eating disorder and stress led me to loosing all my hair, which was my identity; I shaved it all off and wore a hat until it started growing back. I also was diagnosed with a rare condition called AMP (amplified musculoskeletal pain) on the scalp as I started having burning sensations on the crown of my head during this time. This led me to have a spiritual awakening, I questioned who I was without this hair I had cherished for so long, it was how I valued myself. I was traumatised and devastated, I suppressed it and didn’t talk for four years. I now was on a path of wanting to know who I am, where I come from, why I am here and was fed up with small talk and societal dialogue. Being isolated in my bedroom for four years enabled me to discover and research a diverse range of topics, I had a knowledge addiction and wanted to know as much as I could about this world and beyond; I devoted myself to researching day and night. This led me to an Ayahuasca (a psychedelic plant medicine that comes from the Amazon Rainforest in South America that enables one to heal and discover deeper about ones self) documentary which infatuated me to plan to go to the Amazon Rainforest. My long-term vision was to travel Central America and South America from Mexico down to Peru and go to the Amazon Rainforest to study plant medicine, tribes, journalism, shamanism and to become a shaman’s apprentice. This medicine had called me and I wanted to listen to that call, I wanted answers and to heal the deep wounds within me. I was waiting until I was 18 to go to Peru to work at a retreat centre in the jungle all this time, I wanted to go home, which felt like Peru. I just wanted to leave the past behind me, discover who I am and heal. I was running away from myself. I had so many aspirations to help humanity and myself; I had the world in the palm of my hands. Before I thought I was going to the jungle I experimented with psychedelics and had an ongoing meditation practice everyday to try and further my understanding of myself and the universe, which ultimately are one and the same – microcosm of the macrocosm.
I had a sense of purity about my being, having isolated myself during my teenage years. All this changed when I went out into the world.
At 17, I was waiting to go to the Amazon Rainforest and went to The Netherlands to do a house keeping internship and Spain to do an eco-project in the mountains before the planned destination of Peru. For the first time my depression was eased and travelling opened my eyes to different ways of living and cultures. My eating disorder eased up as I was in a new environment, away from all the pain of the UK and I met some beautiful people from all around the world. I loved being free, independent; no one knew me and I could be who I wanted to be. However, the retreat centre went bankrupt, I lost all the money I saved up for the trip and my flights. I was again, devastated.
In 2018 I got a job at the local theatre cafe with my cousin, however I felt like a fish out of water and dreaded each day. I decided to go travelling to The Netherlands and around Europe and came back to England a year and a half later traumatised in the middle of 2019 and I have never been the same since. This period of time involved homelessness, betrayal, toxic black mold poisoning, traumatic experiences, drugs, different cultures and a life times worth of experiences crammed into a year and a half.
Back In England in 2019 I was left with the shell of a person who once was. I somehow managed to work to save myself from being alone in my bedroom in a village and trying to kill myself. I tried to take my life four times in 2019 due to severe trauma and lost the job I had due to not being able to work anymore, slurring words and not being able to walk up and down stairs to get stock with severe chronic body pain. It was a blessing because I knew it was not the right job for me.
Throughout 2019 I had tried to heal myself through taking up African djembe drumming, yoga, spiritual healing, shamanism, soul retrieval work, supplements, gong baths, massages, reiki, counselling and many other avenues to no avail. I am getting worse and don’t know what to do anymore.
In October 2019 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition with many symptoms including brain fog, chronic fatigue and cognitive problems. I now had a concept to understand why I experience chronic burning pain all over my body every moment of every day.
Where I am at now is: for more than a year I have been addicted to two pharmaceuticals: Pregabalin (given for fibromyalgia, stopping nerve pain) and Diazepam (benzodiazepines, relaxant given for anxiety). I have been smoking cigarettes as a coping mechanism since the middle of 2019. I am recovering from being on many different medications since the middle of 2019 and none of them working (sleeping pills, antidepressants, antipsychotics etc). I have constant suicidal ideations and thoughts as the pain I deal with is unbearable. I have problems socialising as I am in agonising pain every day, it’s hard to make friends as I am too unstable, have social anxiety and depression from all this which makes it harder for me to engage with people. It seems to be that the medications have damaged my brain with intense memory loss and amnesia; my intelligence and abilities have declined over the past year and it is distressing to witness this and the decaying of yourself. I tried to wean off the pharmaceuticals I am currently taking twice over the past year but it was unbearable to deal with the withdrawals which included psychosis and I couldn’t handle it. I am left with being daily distressed, muscle tremors, brain fog, cognitive problems, fatigue, body pain like burning acid all over with knives jabbing over my body (fibromyalgia), weakness, sensitivity to light and sound, muscle tremors, dissociation, manic mood, flat mood, PTSD, tension, confusion, irritability, numbness and tingling, sensitivity to light, noise and physical contact, slurred speech, drowsiness, stomache cramps, numbed emotions, problems with balance, difficulty finding words, eye pain, painful menstrual periods, anxiety, flashbacks, see tracers in my visual field of past moving objects, three seconds of someone’s previous position traced; I can see where someone has previously been. I feel I don’t have support and very unstable. Everything including my own brain feels claustrophobic and fuzzy. My former self is dying and I want to save myself before I get worse which I see happening painfully clearly. The list goes on with blurry vision, breathing problems, insomnia, shaking, headaches, eye pain, dulled psychic and other senses, delirium, eating disorder coming back as a coping mechanism, paralysing fear of the world and my own mind and endless side effects from medications. I feel like I am in a hell or purgatory realm. I feel like my soul has left my body or parts of it and disorientated. It feels like I am not here anymore, I find myself dazed off and zombie-like and then come back to this reality. I could cry rivers of tears that are suppressed that I cannot cry. I have memory blanks sometimes where I don’t recognise where I am fully or who I am. Reality is blurry. I feel on edge and hyperactivity a lot of the time with manic states. I cannot feel emotion, it is like being trapped in a numb decaying body. I can very rarely cry or feel much except pain. No mood, completely flat-lined, transparent, like a ghost. My breathing is weak, there is third eye pressure and I feel fatigued all of the time. I feel like I could collapse at any moment. I have racy thoughts that feel uncontrollable. Spiritual abilities have awakened, claircognizance; I know when things will happen or information about events or people. I know by sensing peoples energy when they are lying or putting up a block. Sometimes I can sense someone’s aura or energetic field. I know how someone is feeling just by being with them or from a distance. I feel detached from the world, depersonalized, derealized, lost in a dream like state with no ground or foundation. Nothing feels real. The world feels grey and empty. It feels as if I have been on a hard drug for months like speed even though I haven’t. I can only eat under ten foods as I cannot tolerate anything else and have allergies which is quite dull and lacks in diversity in my diet. My gut lining is damaged. Strung out. On edge. Every day is panic for me. Survival mode. I have so much to give to the world and experience, but I cannot live like this, it is hell and unbearable. I know something has gone wrong in my body, a big neuro-chemical imbalance that makes me feel like I am trapped in a permanent state of a drug comedown. I’m scared. There is barely pleasure, food does not taste the same, it tastes like plastic. People sometimes do not appear real, like plastic and giving a hug feels like someone is hugging a ghost. I wake in so much pain and go to sleep in so much pain. I have trouble sleeping and am using sleeping pills. I feel trapped in a dark realm. I think my brain’s receptors are imbalanced, my precious, developing brain.. alongside having depression for many years as a teenager with trauma, stress, sleep deprivation and sleeping rough. The NHS (UK’s healthcare system) gave me no help, they didn’t support me; I am left on my own with pills given to me and no option for talking therapy in the beginning, terrible experiences with mental health services, no help after suicide attempts and waiting for appointments and getting nothing from them, just filling out forms and getting no where. Round and round in circles.
In October 2019 I was told by a reiki master and some pyschics that I am to become a shaman in this lifetime and my spirit animal is the Jaguar. I have a hard path ahead of me. The shaman is a medicine man or woman that is regarded as having access to, and influence in, the world of good and evil spirits, being able to heal people and enter altered states, but before that he has to go on an initiation process to cure himself to be able to help others. I have to put myself back together. In March 2020 a medium at a spiritual event told me I am a medium/clairvoyant/shaman and that I had a grandmother on the other side, in the spirit world. In this same month I was also told, somehow it came up, that on my dad’s side, my great great grandmother, was a “quack” which means someone who deals with herbal medicine, she could “see things” and people went to her if they had a problem. Various Shamans during 2020 have told me different information about my soul; one said at four years old my soul chose to split off a part of itself and leave as it felt it couldn’t be itself in this life and another Shaman said that I was raped by two men on a beach in a past life.
It is difficult to imagine a future swamped in this hazy cloud of fog. I don’t know what is happening.
If I am a survivor in the future, I want to be able to initiate my personal goals of writing books, starting a holistic healing centre for people with mental health issues, addiction and existential crises, DJ and bring more diverse hybridized music to this world, be a loving strong force, travel, heal, love myself more, continue on the path of enlightenment, grow within myself, gain knowledge, study different topics, become a shamans apprentice, participate in an Ayahuasca ceremony, use plant medicine, speak truth, make documentaries, report on unreported issues in the world, undergo counselling for my healing, become a humble, kind and a strong human woman to fulfil my purpose of becoming a shaman (a spiritual healer/medicine woman/medium).
As of January 2021, I am living in the UK with my partner trying to get through each day during this global dismemberment. I focus on photography, blogging, meditation, yoga, poetry, helping fellow bloggers grow their blogs, researching, getting out into nature, watching videos from various platforms, trying to stay alive, laughing, smiling through the intolerable pain and trying to see and bring my attention to the beauty in life. I have started therapy again this month which I hope grounds me and helps in my healing process.
I started a fundraiser in December 2020 for me to be able to go to a rehabilitation centre in England to come off the pharaceuticals I am on as I can’t come off them alone, I need specialist help. I hope to reach my fundraising goal in 2021 and come clean from these pharmaceuticals.
The planet is going through a dismemberment and we are going through a personal dismemberment. An ending is also a beginning. I pray we awaken, ascend and create a new way of life for us all in this human family.
Thank you for taking the time to read a brief synopsis of my story. Best wishes on your path home to the light. I hope this blog enlightens, makes you laugh, educates, inspires and awakens you. Blessed.
Love is the answer.
Have a good life.
-Amber @DiosRaw 15/01/21